So I don’t forget how much love I’ve felt the past week.
So I don’t forget this sweet baby who only needed to be with us a short time.
On Monday, I went to my midwife after I had been bleeding over the weekend. I was hopeful that everything would be okay.
But I also had honestly turned my will over to God a few days prior. I don’t think it’s coincidence that I had felted prompted to study the Atonement of Christ. Earlier last week before any of this started happening, I read a quote that since everything we have belongs to God, the only truly thing we can give to Him is our will.
Experiencing this miscarriage tried my faith and tested me to see if I could really turn my will over to Him. I knew I needed to do it. But I resisted for many hours; my heart clinging to my desire.
“This isn’t what I want,” I kept thinking over and over again. But that’s when it hit me. Giving my will meant that I had to put aside my desires. I had to let go that this is not what I wanted to go through.
Once I finally prayed and did it, I felt peace. Throughout the next hours and even the next day, my desire slowly tried to creep back in to my mind. But in those hard moments, I prayed and said “not my will, but thine be done.” There is power in those words. And although they stung, I felt peace and calm.
And so when Monday finally came, I was prepared for the news. And sure enough, there was a sweet little baby, but one without a heartbeat that had stopped growing at 8 weeks. ( I was 10.5 weeks at this time).
I was fine until my amazing midwife handed me the ultrasound photo and said, “this is still your baby.” I sobbed and sobbed.
I cried and prayed for a few hours over pizza from The Pie and drove home to the family I had. More promptings of “love what you have” continued to sustain me.
Since then I have felt an outpouring of God’s love through friends and family.
Meals have been dropped off. Emily came to watch our kids so Brandon and I could have a few hours together. My neighbor has taken kids to school and had kids over to play for hours. My father in law took care of the little boys so I could sleep in. My dad has also helped with the boys. Lots of texts of love just at the right time.
We usually are not good at accepting help, but this time is different. I have fully embraced the kindness and accept that help is okay.
After our very eventful date on Tuesday (when everything naturally passed unexpectedly at City Creek in SLC), I was worn out emotionally and physically from all the blood loss. Holy cow. It was a lot of blood. I seriously stayed in bed all day on Wednesday and slept.
I feel grateful that my body knew exactly what it needed to do to take care of this without surgery.
I feel grateful that I have had the luxury to turn off all normal mom duties and just rest. Brandon has been a champ to get the kids ready for school and bed, all while finishing up some huge deadlines at work.
I feel grateful for the timing of this. Our kids started going to school 4 days this week, which has been helpful.
I also am excited and grateful that we get to listen to General Conference this week. I have a feeling my bucket will be filled and I will feel the messages of hope and peace my heart continues to need.
I’m grateful I could be this little one’s mom for just a short while and look forward to when I can meet them in heaven!
I feel grateful that our opening hymn at church on Sunday was “Where Can I Turn For Peace?” A gentle reminder that there is peace in Christ.
God is good.